Being Bipolar

Tomorrow marks the start of a troublesome month. As December enters the door, I am only reminded of the hundreds of things I need to get done. Hopefully, I can get through this without tearing someone’s head off.

My oldest son turns 17 at the end of the month. It depresses me to know that I only have one year left before he is legally an adult. What happened to my baby boy? He’s growing up and turning into a man and before I know it he will have his own family. Of course, I am getting ahead of myself but if these 17 years went by so fast then the next ones surely won’t be slow either.

I also have my father’s birthday staring me in the face. Last year, his birthday party included the grandchildren huddled around his hospital bed and singing happy birthday to him before he ate chicken broth. (He was on a liquid diet.) I have a video of it and have watched it several times recently. At age 55, it was his last birthday. He passed away on New Year’s Day. When I visited with him a few weeks before, I had asked him if he thought he could make one more birthday. I feel it was his final gift to me.

Of course we have the major holidays to think of. Don’t even get me started on those.

My father in law is having elective surgery (a gastric bypass) on December 16. Is there anyone else who would like to add to my month of misery? Anyone?

Now that I have laid out everything that will be stressful for me in the coming month, I have posted it and hope to leave it behind in November. (One can dream, huh?)

I have never heard anyone admit this, so I think it is important that it be said. As a person who has bipolar disorder, I tend to displace a lot of my anger on the ones I love the most. I would be willing to bet that many others like me do the exact same thing.

Most of my emotions end up being displayed as anger. I cannot deal with sadness, worry or stress so it all manifests itself as anger. Unfortunately, the ones I am closest to usually bear the brunt of this anger. Why? Because they will take it. Isn’t that terrible? I will hurt the people who care about me because I know they will tolerate it.

I try really hard not to do this but I just cannot stop myself. When things aren’t going well, I get frustrated and it builds up until I have a meltdown. I have no other way to rid myself of these emotions but to lash out at those around me.

I know that I am hurting the people who love me and I don’t like it at all. I try to restrain myself but it is of no use. This has been my biggest problem and it is one that I have not yet solved. I would love to have a solution for this and I am very interested in knowing how others deal with it.

Black Friday is the one day of the year where people will get up hours before dawn to buy a few items on sale. Some people even camp out overnight to make sure they get these bargains. Years ago, I enjoyed this. Today I cannot deal with the crowds, the pushing and shoving, or the high stress atmosphere.

My husband and oldest daughter love it. They get up around 3:30 and head to the stores to wait until the sales begin. Today was no different. I make a list of the items that we want and they go out and get them. I wake up to breakfast being brought to me in bed. What could be better?

There are a lot of things that I once enjoyed that I now avoid because it causes too much anxiety. I used to worry over these limitations and how much my life was impacted by it all. I can’t do that either. I have learned to let it go and move on.

In doing so, I have found new things that I enjoy that actually helps me to lessen my stress. Last year, we bought a fifth wheel camper and I love the peacefulness of going camping with the kids and the dogs. It helps me unwind and removes me from the daily grind without placing me in a crowded environment. I also enjoy photography and it helps me to disconnect from the rest of the world and meld with the parts I am enjoying.

There may be things that I can’t do, but it has led me to the things I enjoy most in my life. Sometimes limitations are simply opportunities waiting to be discovered. That’s how I look at things now. I have to or it would all drive me crazy. It’s funny how a change in perspective can make such a difference.

Today, I will be somewhere overeating in an attempt to keep my mouth shut. I figure that if I keep my mouth full I can’t talk that much. Sensible or not, this is my plan of action.

I am also glad that I have not quit smoking before Thanksgiving because it will give me an excuse to walk outside and be alone for a few minutes when I really need some time to cool down or just get away from everyone for a moment. Hopefully, this will prove beneficial this one day.

My goal is to be as pleasant as possible and try my best not to be confrontational. The only sure-fire way to do this would be sedation, but since that isn’t an option I will simply have to do the best I can while conscious.

I am sure that by now you see that everything must be planned out and I must have a plan of action for every situation. I do have a strong need to be in control but I have found that being prepared is the only way I can manage at times. I know that certain situations can and will arise and it is better for me to have a plan as to how I will handle the situation because I tend to make snap decisions if I don’t.

Of course, part of my plan allows me to vent some frustration without hurting anyone’s feelings on a personal level. When someone is continuing to discuss a topic that pushes my buttons, I am going to tell them. I plan to tell them, “This is a subject that is better discussed when I am not around. I’m going to walk outside for a minute and hope the subject has changed when I get back.” Maybe that will help. If not, they were warned.

I also plan to take m camera. It is easier for me to disconnect from the situation when I am looking through the lens for the perfect shot rather than interacting with everyone around me. It should provide enough of a distraction to keep me on my best behavior. At least for a little while.

Wish me the best, and hope I do not return with my foot in my mouth! Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

The holidays are upon us. Any time I have to be in a crowd of people, I am uneasy. I also know people will start talking about things that will get under my skin and I will have to walk away.

I learned a few years ago that it helps for me to loudly announce that I am walking away before I say something to upset someone. A smart person will change the subject before I return, but there are a few who seem to enjoy getting me riled up.

Now there is only so much goading that I can take so if I have walked away and come back to hear the same topic of discussion, someone is going to hear my opinion and that someone is usually not going to be happy about it. I feel I gave them fair warning. It seems to me that some of them just want me to get riled up. I am happy to oblige those people and always do. A person only has so much restraint and self-control, you know?

Another thing that gets me is when people ask my opinion knowing all the while that they don’t really want to know how I feel on the subject. If you don’t want to know, don’t ask me. Once you have asked me, I feel it is only right for me to be completely honest and tell you exactly what I think. I have an opinion on everything and I tend to be brutally honest. I don’t sugar coat a thing. I find that most people can’t deal with that. I try to avoid these situations but it’s not always something I can do.

Some people use my matter-of-factness to amuse themselves. If there is a problem, they’ll ask me to take care of it. Sometimes I wonder why others think I am so far out there but then I will remember all the times where I have been the one chosen to settle a dispute or remedy a situation. That’s why. Someone purposely had me show my bad side.

You are probably wondering what any of this has to do with the holidays. I know that by Sunday I will have teeth marks in my tongue, my hands will be chapped from wringing them and trying to keep quiet, my legs will be sore from constantly walking away and yet I will still end up hurting someone’s feelings before it’s all said and done. Things will be fine as long as everyone is eating and talking is minimal. It is after the meal that worries me because this is when everyone wants to catch up and talk.

Do they make muzzles for humans? I could probably use one tomorrow.