Dec 07 2008
Being Bipolar: Maintaining my sanity
I am now one week into December and have managed to maintain my sanity. I can’t say I am in the holiday spirit, but I haven’t started snapping at people who are.
The upcoming week may be a bit more difficult. Last year at this time, I was told that my father would certainly pass away within the next three months. Within the next three weeks, he would be transferred to a nursing home for full-time care where he was allowed to fall and break his hip. In an effort to alleviate his pain in his remaining days, we decided to allow the doctors to surgically repair it. His birthday was December 23 and he was unable to get out of bed or eat solid foods. A few days later, I learned that his life insurance did not reach maturity until May 2008. This meant he would have no insurance to help with burial. On New Year’s Day, he drew his last breath.
For days, I was a walking zombie. I had to take care of the arrangements and everyone looked to me to take care of everything. I didn’t eat or sleep for days. After the funeral itself, I had to take care of all of the Thank You cards and settling his affairs. All of the responsibility landed on my shoulders and the result was a psychotic episode in February. I ended up with officers at my home because I was suicidal. They tried to talk me into inpatient care but I adamantly refused.
It has been a long, uphill battle to recover from that episode and I still have a few hallucinations. I have struggled to maintain my sanity and I continue to do so. I am determined not to let things get to me and lead me into another episode. So far, I am holding my own.
Ever hear the old song, “If we make it through December…”?
I’m likely failing at emphasizing with you, but I understand. My Mom, Dad, and I went through Dad suddenly coming into Adult Leukemia, a rare form which moves rapidly. Last Christmas was a sad time for me, except for my honey cheering me for some reason.
This year is our first year spending the holidays together in the same country, and so I now feel in a different space - somehow removed from the prior hurt I never thought would end.
I’m grateful for being removed from it all, because the one thing my Dad taught me through all the horror we witnessed in hospitals was to keep enjoying life. I feel I owe it to him, if that makes sense… Much Love & Light to you this season, and all year round…
I’m very sorry for your loss. Hubby’s uncle had adult leukemia a few years ago. Until then, we didn’t even know adults could get leukemia. It is a horribly aggressive illness.
With my father, I should have been prepared and always thought I was until it happened. My father was diagnosed with Crohn’s when I was 2 months old in 1974. He was told then he would only live six months. Over 33 years of my life, I have been called in by doctors numerous times and told he wouldn’t make it through the night. He has had so many different illnesses on top of the Crohn’s that he weighed a mere 82 pounds and was TPN for the last two years. He had endured over 50 operations in my lifetime due to his disease. He had liver disease and his liver shut down in the end. He was 54 years old. He had always told me how he wanted things to be handled…from the time I was 11 or 12. I really thought I was prepared but I wasn’t.
I do not have bi-polar ,but I have a sister in law who does and she will go after anything or anyone she wants,even if she knows it will hurt you . She takes med’s for a while then gets off of them,then she wants to make the public think she is normal again and that usually means she is ready to go in and mess up someone else life again,its is routine again and again and it is getting old telling others she is just on a mission of distruction again… But she likes it that way. About ever 6 months is time for change..how can the sisters and brothers deal with this issue ? Need prayers
I think it is important for you to understand that she doesn’t have control over this. It sounds like she is having manic episodes (see Bipolar I in my categories to learn about manic episodes), which is a part of bipolar disorder. A person in this state can and will do hurtful things but it is not something they can control. She should take medication all the time but that is also something that is a problem with bipolar disorder.
To say a person wants people to think they are normal again implies that someone is not normal when they are bipolar. This is where the stigma comes in. I think it would be good for you and other family members to read up on the disorder and learn more about it. It is an illness. This will help you tremendously by simply giving you a better understanding. That is the best way you can deal with it. It’s very hard to deal with a situation when you don’t have enough information. If you like, I can provide you with links to some great resources.
Again, understanding is key. It’s the first step in learning how to deal with someone who is bipolar. The next step would be realizing that she isn’t in control and doesn’t mean to cause problems. It’s just part of the disorder and she cannot control this illness.
Good luck to you and I do hope you will take the time to learn more about this disorder. I struggle very hard to do the best I can in life and it isn’t easy for someone with a mental illness. I have found that I am pretty lucky in having so much willpower, but this is an exception and not the norm.