Being Bipolar

Bipolar Awareness Month kicks off tomorrow so don’t forget to drop by. Aside from getting things started off for the month, I will be posting a picture of myself so you will finally be able to see me. If you’re curious, bookmark my site and be sure to come back.

Today, I am somewhere in Tunica, Mississippi playing the penny and nickel slot machines. That is about as much as I am willing to risk. The night before, I attended the AC/DC concert in Memphis, TN at the Fed Ex Forum. I know some of you are thinking about my fear of crowds. I admit that I am a bit manic after starting the new medication. It’s nothing major but it does help me in that department.

On that same note, the medication is really kicking in and I must say that I am feeling pretty good. It has definitely helped to lift the depression and I haven’t had any hallucinations in a few days now. I’ve been sleeping pretty good and the fog is getting less frequent. I still have the grogginess in the morning and I was a little agitated today, but I don’t expect everything to be perfect all the time. It’s nothing like it was and I can control it to a point. It’s a great improvement and I feel the weight on my shoulders slowly lifting away.

Once again, I’d like to thank everyone for being so supportive during a difficult time. It truly means a lot to me.

Since it is Friday and my husband is dragging me to an AC/DC concert tonight, I thought I would try to get in the mood for music. I am not an AC/DC fan, so I am going to share some lyrics from other artists that I can relate to. Can you guess the song title and artist of each one?

No one knows what it’s like
to feel these feelings
like I do
and I blame you.
No one bites back as hard
on their anger.
None of my pain and woe
can show through.
This song is truly a classic. There are a lot of times when I feel like no one knows how I feel or how I suffer. I also get carried away by anger. Do you know the name of the song and who sings it?

Bonus question: Which band recently did a cover of this song?

I’ve become so numb.
I can’t feel you there.
I’ve become so tired.
So much more aware.
I’m becoming less.
All I want to do
is be more like me
and be less like you.

This one is a few years old. I see it as describing the me now and the person I used to be long before my diagnosis with bipolar disorder. I want to be less like the person I have become and be more like the old me. I feel too much and try to block it all out and have become “numb” to all of it.

Bonus question: What was the name of the album this song is on?

What I really meant to say
is I’m sorry for the way I am.
I never meant to be so cold.
Never meant to be so cold.
What I really meant to say
is I’m sorry for the way I am.
I never meant to be so cold.
Never meant to be so cold.

Sometimes after I have an episode, I’ll realize how terrible I acted. I will be sorry for what I have done and often times I can’t believe how cold I was. It’s how I am. I try hard not to be and I am sorry but this is how I am at times.

Oh now feel it coming back again
Like a rolling thunder chasing the wind.
Forces pulling from the center of the earth again
I can feel it.

The chorus alone would describe how I feel when I know an episode is coming on. The whole song is just a beautiful story of life, death and rebirth. It’s moving.

Bonus Question: What is the name of the album?

I’ve been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that they’re real.
I’ve been living so long with these pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel.

This song is all about loss and the memories that inevitably fill your mind until it consumes you. This band is one of my absolute faves and I could have used dozens of their songs, but I figured this one would be more recognizable.

Bonus Question: What product used this song in their commercial?

I’m sorry I’m bad
I’m sorry your blue
I’m sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can’t take it back.

It’s pretty self explanatory. Whenever I have had an episode and hurt the person I love most, this is how I feel.

Hey.
Wait.
I got a new complaint.
Forever in debt to your priceless advice.

I don’t know why. I just like the song.

Bonus Question: In the video, what is the elderly man carrying on his back?

I’m so happy
cause today I found my friends.
They’re in my head.

Hey! That’s where my friends are, too! It’s nice to know I am not alone.

If tonight’s the night I leave this earth,
don’t cry at my funeral. You didn’t cry at my birth.
The worst thing that ever happened was my arrival on this earth.
Just pull me out the hearse and drop me in the dirt.

I am sure that there are others out there who sometimes feel this way, too.

That wraps up music trivia. If you enjoy it, leave me a comment and let me know and I’ll do it each week.

This is a topic I have covered before, but it is certainly worth repeating. Anyone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness should have an Advance Directive for Mental Health Care. An advance directive is used to inform your caregivers of your wishes in the event that you cannot make decisions. It works pretty much the same way as a Living Will.

I have had an advance directive for about two years. After my recent episode, I thought it was time to update it. I started searching the internet seeking forms and legal advice. I came across the Bazelon Center for Mental Health Law. They have a very detailed Psychiatric Advance Directive. If you would like to use it, please visit http://www.bazelon.org/issues/advancedirectives/advdira.htm .

I cannot stress enough how important this is. It only takes a few minutes to download and complete the forms and it could end up saving you a lot of grief later on. If you would like to find more information about advance directive laws in your state, visit http://www.noah-health.org/en/rights/endoflife/adforms.htm .

Now I would like to say something on a more personal note. The recent hardships I have faced really opened my eyes. I have never received as much love and support as I have from all of you. Once again, I want to thank you for that. You have no idea how much it means to me. I truly feel loved. You are the best blogger friends a girl could have! It has lifted my spirits and helped me to make it through some difficult days.

I am noticing some very big changes in myself lately. For the first time in a while I am able to control my anger. The crying spells have completely stopped and I am laughing again. I don’t feel antsy or on edge – I just feel normal.

I will admit that I have had a mild spell of mania, but it was a refreshing change from the severe depression that I had been dealing with. Today, I feel more stable. I am beginning to feel like me again. I had been depressed for so long that I had almost forgotten what that felt like. It’s nice.

The medication is no longer making me nauseous but I am groggy. I’m sure that will subside after I have been taking it for a while. I still have the fog and moments of confusion but that too shall pass. I just have to wait it out.

On another note, I want to thank everyone who has returned a completed questionnaire and/ or hosted a banner. If you would like to complete a questionnaire, there is still time. I will be accepting them up until the last week of February. If you would like to host the banner to promote Bipolar Awareness Month, you can find the code on the Bipolar Awareness page or you can email me at beingbipolar@writersbeacon.com.

Sunday, February 1 will kick off Bipolar Awareness Month. I will also be posting a picture of me so be sure to stop in. February 2, I will begin posting my readers’ experiences with Bipolar Disorder.

Thanks to everyone for their support during this difficult time and I would especially like to thank all of you for your support of Bipolar Awareness Month.

I’m still standing! It actually seems to be getting better every day. I have to say that I haven’t felt this good in quite some time and it’s nice.

I’m adjusting to the Symbyax pretty well. Any side effects I may have are definitely not as bad as the terrible head cold I have right now so I can’t complain too much. I do have the “fog”, but I am managing.

My husband wants me to limit the time I spend online and stop sitting at the computer all day drowning myself in work. That’s hard for me because when I have something to do it bugs me until I get it done. I always have work I could be doing. I have to find some sort of balance between housework, my job(s) and “me” time. Maybe I need to schedule my days and allot time for everything. I have to do something. Is there anyone else who tries to stay busy with work? I have done it for so long to keep my mind occupied that it is hard for me to do anything else.

Ok, reading over the last paragraph I can see that I am rambling. The “fog” is really bad right now and I am starting to feel a wave of nausea. Ugh. I know it will fade after I have been on it a while but that doesn’t make it any less annoying right now. I hope this all subsides by Friday. Hubby and I have plans and I really don’t want to be grouchy because I feel bad.

Again, thanks to all of you for your support! It is greatly appreciated.