Mar 31 2009
Being Bipolar: Having my head shrunk.
Happy, happy. Joy, joy. I have to go have my head shrunk today. Can you tell I just love going to therapy? My biggest reason for not liking it is that I have to leave the house. My second reason is knowing that they are analyzing everything I say and do so I end up constantly thinking about what I am doing or saying. Did you know that they also assess your appearance and that is supposed to tell how well you are doing? I always wonder if I look “neat” enough. It’s funny. I am supposed to go there to be analyzed but I always end up analyzing the therapy session to death.
Despite all of my qualms, I have attended every session this time and that is very unusual for me. I quit going to all the other therapists pretty quickly. Talk therapy does very little for me besides make me extremely anxious. It’s my fault, I suppose. I carefully choose what I am going to say. I saw a therapist once and I talked to her about my concerns over how my husband was dealing with everything and I soon felt like she was pushing me to leave him. I quit immediately.
I worry a lot about how all of this affects my husband. Things are fine when I am stable but the minute I get sick things go awry. During my last episode, my husband and I were going to separate. The only way he would stay was if I agreed to go for inpatient hospitalization (but the hospital didn’t admit me), stay in therapy and take my meds. I have stuck to my end of the bargain. The only problem is that my husband used to be the one person I was completely honest with. At this point, I would be afraid to tell him if things changed for the worse because I would fear how he would react. He told me that when I became suicidal he put up a wall and eventually he wanted out. What am I supposed to do now? I am too afraid to talk about my illness with him. That leaves me with nobody. My mother can’t deal with it at all. Of course, she works with people who have been hospitalized for years. I think she sees how some of them will be institutionalized for life and it scares her. Of course, she would never admit that but I think she does.
Ack! I am working myself up again. If I don’t stop, I will end up having a panic attack.
Have a great day everyone!
