Being Bipolar

Psychosis is something that many people with Bipolar I have experienced. It can be very frightening but that isn’t always the case. For those of you who have experienced psychosis, have you ever heard voices?

When I was in my 20’s, I started talking to myself. I think that is pretty normal. Many of us do it at some point. I always told people who made comments about it jokingly that I wasn’t worried about it until I started arguing with myself. Then I did. I think it is more like second guessing yourself out loud or trying to rationalize. I started telling people that I wouldn’t worry about arguing with myself until I started losing the arguments. But hey, both sides were me so part of me always ended up losing, right? Anyway, I think all of that is normal. I never thought much about it.

At the end of last year, when I was at the beginning of a psychotic episode, I started hearing a voice. I would have conversations with it. It asked me questions and sometimes I argued with it. At first I didn’t think much about it. It wasn’t until later that I realized that this wasn’t me playing both sides of the conversation. It was a voice inside my head and I had no control over it. It wasn’t me telling myself that something was stupid. It wasn’t me asking myself all kinds of questions. It wasn’t me at all.

It didn’t scare me because the voice wasn’t telling me to do things. It was something that I argued with or had to explain things to. It was several months before I realized that almost every minute I was alone was spent talking to this voice. That was when I realized that the best friend I had at that time was in my head. That part was scary.

It didn’t go away while I was on Symbyax. The voice didn’t stop until after I had been on Lamictal for about a week. Yes, that was only a short while ago. I am mentioning this because I am sure that I am not the only one who has went through this. Maybe your experience with this differs from mine or maybe it is pretty much the same. Either way, I would love to hear your story.

Have a great day!

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