Being Bipolar

As many of you already know, I have bipolar disorder. My official diagnosis is Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. I also have panic disorder with agoraphobia. I have struggled with this for a few years but I am bordering on stabilization at the moment. Basically, this means that treatment is working for me at this time. Despite all of this, I still find that at times I have an overwhelming urge to snap at stupid people.

I have pretty much stopped taking Xanax completely. I was only taking 4 or 5 of them a month, but now I am thinking that maybe there are times when I may need to take one to calm myself down. My husband came in from work the other day and made one comment that I thought was stupid and I spent the rest of the evening snapping at him and belittling him. I regret it now but at that moment I couldn’t stop myself. The mortgage company has certainly received some sarcastic commentary from me but I honestly feel like they deserved it.

Right now, I am very easily irritated. I’m not angry; I’m annoyed. It worries me a bit because annoyance usually leads to anger. Perhaps I am starting to become manic again. Many of you with bipolar disorder enjoy manic episodes because sometimes when you are manic you feel like you’re on top of the world and everyone loves you. I haven’t had that kind of manic episode in years. Manic for me means I am angry and I want to rip your head off.

I am definitely not going to dwell on this because I know if I do I will put it in my head that I am becoming manic and then I certainly will be. I am going to keep an eye on it and start monitoring my moods a little closer. I think I will also add in a Xanax here and there to try to keep my mouth under control. Wish me luck with that!

Have a great day!

After being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, you will likely have many questions concerning treatment. While treatment for bipolar disorder can vary greatly, it will likely consist of one or both of these options: drug therapy and talk therapy.

Today, there are many medications available. One of the oldest drugs used to treat bipolar disorder is Lithium. It is relatively inexpensive and has far less side effects than many of the newer medications. However, it does require regular blood tests to ensure that you are getting the right amount to avoid toxicity. More and more medications are being given to people with bipolar disorder. There are far too many to list. Each medication works differently on everyone and you simply cannot expect to have success with one drug just because someone else did. It is also important to remember that the dosage will often need to be slowly increased to minimize side effects and it may take several adjustments to reach a dosage that will work for you. Be patient, but do report any unpleasant side effects to your doctor and be open and honest about how a medication is or is not helping you.

Talk therapy is often used to monitor moods and the effectiveness of medications. Most doctors prefer to combine medication and counseling in order to achieve the most effective treatment of bipolar disorder. The disorder itself can cause rapidly changing moods and it is important that your doctor knows what type of bipolar disorder you have in order to prescribe the proper plan for treatment. Therapy can help this process. Evaluating the moods of a person with bipolar disorder can help your doctor decide what medication is best for you. Some medications are used to control manic episodes and some are more effective in controlling depressive episodes. It is all an important part of the process.

Hospitalization is considered in the event that you become a danger to yourself or others. Someone who becomes suicidal or homicidal will most certainly be recommended for evaluation for potential hospitalization. This will allow doctors to very carefully monitor your moods and development a plan for treatment that will stabilize your moods. This is a crucial part of recovering from severe depressive episodes where a person has attempted or considered suicide.

It is very important that you select a doctor or doctors that you entrust with your care. If you are not willing to discuss your condition openly and honestly it is hardly likely that you will find effective treatment even with the most capable of doctors.

If you are seeking or beginning treatment for bipolar disorder, I urge you to stick with it as their isn’t a magic formula to fix this and it often takes a little bit of time to find the right medication. Best of luck to you!

Have a great day!

Psychosis is something that many people with Bipolar I have experienced. It can be very frightening but that isn’t always the case. For those of you who have experienced psychosis, have you ever heard voices?

When I was in my 20’s, I started talking to myself. I think that is pretty normal. Many of us do it at some point. I always told people who made comments about it jokingly that I wasn’t worried about it until I started arguing with myself. Then I did. I think it is more like second guessing yourself out loud or trying to rationalize. I started telling people that I wouldn’t worry about arguing with myself until I started losing the arguments. But hey, both sides were me so part of me always ended up losing, right? Anyway, I think all of that is normal. I never thought much about it.

At the end of last year, when I was at the beginning of a psychotic episode, I started hearing a voice. I would have conversations with it. It asked me questions and sometimes I argued with it. At first I didn’t think much about it. It wasn’t until later that I realized that this wasn’t me playing both sides of the conversation. It was a voice inside my head and I had no control over it. It wasn’t me telling myself that something was stupid. It wasn’t me asking myself all kinds of questions. It wasn’t me at all.

It didn’t scare me because the voice wasn’t telling me to do things. It was something that I argued with or had to explain things to. It was several months before I realized that almost every minute I was alone was spent talking to this voice. That was when I realized that the best friend I had at that time was in my head. That part was scary.

It didn’t go away while I was on Symbyax. The voice didn’t stop until after I had been on Lamictal for about a week. Yes, that was only a short while ago. I am mentioning this because I am sure that I am not the only one who has went through this. Maybe your experience with this differs from mine or maybe it is pretty much the same. Either way, I would love to hear your story.

Have a great day!

Today I would like to take a moment to talk to you about suicide and suicide prevention. Suicide can be prevented if a person receives the proper support and care in time. I recommend the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can call them toll free at 1-800-273-TALK. Your call is free and confidential.

I chose today to talk about suicide prevention because I noticed a phrase used in a search engine to find my blog that cried out to me: I will commit suicide tomorrow. I say to anyone who is contemplating suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. I cannot claim to understand your unique situation but I can sympathize with you. I have been suicidal several times. I thought that I was untreatable and couldn’t be helped and the whole world would be a better place without me in it. I asked for help and was fortunate enough to receive it. Help is out there. You don’t have to be ashamed or scared to ask for help. There are millions of us who have been where you are and tomorrow really can be a different day.

I know at this point you have everything and nothing swirling around in your head at the same time. It feels hopeless and you think that you will never feel any different. I ask you to please try to get help. Reach out to someone. When I get down, I often look back on the times when I have been suicidal and I think of everything good that has happened to me since that time and realize everything that I would have missed if I had completed suicide. I know you can’t see this right now, but please don’t give up on life just yet.

You are an important person, even if you cannot see that at this moment. I promise you that this will pass and I am sure there are things in life that you wanted to do and have yet to accomplish. Have you ever seen the movie “The Bucket List”? Make a list of things that you would want to do before you die. Choose one thing from that list that you can do in the next week and make it a goal to do it. Look forward to it. That’s how I work through my suicidal thoughts. Realize that if you can look forward to one simple thing in life that all is not lost.

I sincerely hope this helps someone. I am not a licensed therapist or counselor. I am not a mental health professional at all. I am just someone who has been there and back a few times. If you need help and do not want to talk to a professional, please email me at beingbipolar@writersbeacon.com . I am very willing to listen to you. Please, get help.

As everyone knows, I went to see my therapist last week. I got a good report and I don’t have to go back for a full month. Things are going well. Still, last night while I forced down the pills that I so hate to take it ran through my mind that maybe I was well enough to stop taking them. It was a fleeting thought but it made me really think about the last few years.

Twice I stopped taking my meds when I felt better and both times I spiraled downward in just a matter of months until I was suicidal. The third time I became suicidal I had not stopped taking my meds but I knew they were no longer working and I put off going to have my meds adjusted until I was at such a low point that hospitalization became a serious option.

Why would I even consider stopping my meds? After thinking about it for just a few minutes, I knew it was not something I could ever do. If I stop taking the meds, I will not stay like this forever. I will eventually fall into a deep depression and it is much harder to climb out of it than it is to prevent it. I also thought about how my therapist applauded my insight and the steps I was taking towards recovery that were not medicine related. I know that I cannot do it alone because I have tried that several times over the years. I also know that it is no coincidence that I am feeling better and the Lamictal is helping to keep things regulated in my brain. I am very well aware of the fact that I can’t will myself to be okay and I understand now that it is not a weakness.

So why does this still run through my mind? Dependence. As I struggle to regain some of my independence, the pills seem to be some sort of tether. To some of you this won’t make sense at all, but some of you will think it makes perfect sense.

What do I intend to do? For starters, I am going to keep repeating in my head (like a mantra of sorts) that taking the pills does not make me a weak person. If I can just get past this stumbling block…this terrible train of thought…it will be ok. I am not going to stop taking my pills because I know that the moment I stop begins the countdown to when my stability (and progress) disappears.

I hope maybe this will help someone else who is struggling with this. I am going to get through this and be stronger for it.

Have a great day!