Being Bipolar

As many of you already know, I have bipolar disorder. My official diagnosis is Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. I also have panic disorder with agoraphobia. I have struggled with this for a few years but I am bordering on stabilization at the moment. Basically, this means that treatment is working for me at this time. Despite all of this, I still find that at times I have an overwhelming urge to snap at stupid people.

I have pretty much stopped taking Xanax completely. I was only taking 4 or 5 of them a month, but now I am thinking that maybe there are times when I may need to take one to calm myself down. My husband came in from work the other day and made one comment that I thought was stupid and I spent the rest of the evening snapping at him and belittling him. I regret it now but at that moment I couldn’t stop myself. The mortgage company has certainly received some sarcastic commentary from me but I honestly feel like they deserved it.

Right now, I am very easily irritated. I’m not angry; I’m annoyed. It worries me a bit because annoyance usually leads to anger. Perhaps I am starting to become manic again. Many of you with bipolar disorder enjoy manic episodes because sometimes when you are manic you feel like you’re on top of the world and everyone loves you. I haven’t had that kind of manic episode in years. Manic for me means I am angry and I want to rip your head off.

I am definitely not going to dwell on this because I know if I do I will put it in my head that I am becoming manic and then I certainly will be. I am going to keep an eye on it and start monitoring my moods a little closer. I think I will also add in a Xanax here and there to try to keep my mouth under control. Wish me luck with that!

Have a great day!

The state of Texas is trying to pass a bill requiring state approval before prescribing anti-psychotic drugs to children under 11 on Medicaid. While there is certainly a need for some type of regulation of the use of these medications in younger children, is this really the appropriate way to do it?

The issue is that it will essentially make doctors second guess a diagnosis and what they prescribe. Doctors may become even more hesitant to prescribe these types of drugs to a child even when they clearly need it. Will there be an agency with enough resources to expeditiously review these prescriptions? If not, some children may experience significant delays in receiving necessary treatment.

The state of Florida passed a similar law in 2008. It requires state approval for Medicaid recipients under the age of 6. Prescriptions for anti-psychotic drugs for preschoolers have dropped 75% and 200 doctors have stopped prescribing them all together. While Florida states that the program is a great success, some doctors disagree. They say their patients are suffering and many have experienced delays in receiving refills.

The Dallas News reports that Rep. Veronica Gonzales, D-McAllen, said at a committee hearing last week that she fears Texas health officials won’t have enough staff to perform individual assessments on every child on Medicaid that needs an anti-psychotic drug.

“I just worry we’re going to have people not getting the medication they do need because the department doesn’t have the time or resources,” she said. (http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/news/texassouthwest/stories/040109dnmetpsychdrugs.3c447d2.html )

As I said before, I truly understand the need for regulation of the use of these drugs in younger children but I worry about the children who sincerely need this type of medication and how this bill may hinder their ability to receive necessary medications. Should the state be allowed to step in and decide who should have these medications? I would love to hear your opinion.

I am finally stable enough to confess the dirty little details I so carefully hid during my last meltdown. These are just a few of the things I hid in an attempt to keep from being hospitalized.

The day of my cousin’s funeral, I was really psychotic. I spent most of the funeral service staring at the flowers atop the casket. They were dancing – intertwining and gyrating in an amusing fashion. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. When they played various songs during the service, they danced perfectly in time to the beat. It was mesmerizing.

When I finally reached the peak of my psychosis, I started hearing my father’s voice telling me, “Come home.” In the last few weeks that my father was alive, he constantly told us that he was ready to go home. By this, he meant that he was ready to die. I knew what the voice was saying to me and it kept repeating in my head all day until I could not stand it any more. I took a box blade from my husband’s tool bag and tried to cut my wrist. Fortunately, it was dull and wouldn’t cut very well when I tested it on my arm so I abandoned the idea and started seeking other ways to commit suicide. Finding nothing suitable, I abandoned the idea for the time being.

At this point, I told my husband to be home when the kids got here because I needed to leave. I could not be by myself anymore. He sensed how bad things were and called my sister. Her and my mother came and got the kids and me and made me go to my sister’s home so I wouldn’t be alone the next day. I was so upset by having to leave my home, which is my safe place, that the idea began to form in my head again and planning went into place.

I told my sister how much my limits were on my credit cards and told her I wanted to go to St. Louis one more time. I told her we could pack up the kids and go for the weekend and I would take care of everything if she would just go. (I can’t go anywhere alone because of severe agoraphobia.) It was then that it was decided that I would be taken for assessment. The doctor was insistent that I go right then to the hospital but I refused to go until after my son’s birthday party the next day.

The next afternoon, I was taken to the hospital. I went back alone at first. I was honest and told the woman that I had been suicidal but I did not tell her that I had cut myself and I kept my jacket on to hide it. After a little while, they decided that I was okay to go home. If they had known these little details that I hid from them, they would have admitted me. I was afraid to be away from home for any amount of time so I kept certain details to myself.

Now that I have come clean, I feel like I can move forward from this episode and put it all behind me. I feel much better now.

“Agoraphobia is anxiety about being in places or situations from which escape might be difficult (or embarrassing) or in which help may not be available in the event of having a Panic Attack or panic-like symptoms.” (http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx29.htm )

Agoraphobia often occurs with other anxiety disorders, like panic disorder. Symptoms include:

•     Panic attacks
•     Becoming housebound
•     Loss of independence, dependence on others
•     Fear of being alone
•     Fear of losing control in public
•     Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others
•     Feelings of helplessness
•     Feeling that the body is unreal
•     Feeling that the environment is unreal
•     Unusual temper or agitation with trembling or twitching
•     Abdominal distress that occurs when upset
•     Difficulty breathing
•     Chest pain
•     Confusion
•     Fear of dying
•     Fear of going crazy
•     Dizziness
•     Excessive sweating
•     Changes in heartbeat
•     Lightheadedness
•     Nausea and vomiting
•     Numbness and tingling
•     Skin flushing

Anti-anxiety or antidepressant medication is often used to treat agoraphobia. Therapy sessions and systematic desensitization are also used. The success of treatment typically depends upon the severity of the condition.

I suffer from somewhat severe agoraphobia. It is something that has gotten worse over the past few years. I am struggling to do better by forcing myself to go out more and more. I still feel sick when I have to leave the house. Crowds make me feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin. I never go anywhere alone…with the exception of my doctors. My primary care doctor makes every effort to see me as quickly as possible each time I visit because of this.

Do you suffer from agoraphobia? I would love to hear your experience with it.

Panic disorder is characterized by recurring episodes of sudden, intense fear. Physical symptoms may include chest pain, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness or abdominal distress.

Symptoms may include:

• Chest Pain
• Heart palpitations
• Shortness of breath
• Dizziness
• Abdominal distress
• Sweating
• Weakness
• Tingling or numbness of hands
• Feeling flushed or chilled
• Fear of impending doom or loss of control

It is common for a person to develop a fear of these symptoms, and this fear is considered a symptom of panic disorder. A person may think they are having a heart attack, dying or losing their mind. The attacks cannot be predictable so someone affected by the disorder may develop intense fear of having an attack.

The tendency to develop panic attacks is inherited. Repeated panic attacks are defined as panic disorder. Approximately 6 million American adults have panic disorder. Women are twice as likely to develop this disorder as men are.

In some cases, the attacks may become so severe that a person avoids normal activities such as shopping or driving. Almost one third become unable to leave their home. They are often unable to leave the home unless accompanied by a trusted person. This is called agoraphobia. Early treatment can usually prevent agoraphobia but it often goes undiagnosed.

I was diagnosed with panic disorder with agoraphobia. It’s very unusual for me to leave my house. My husband does all the shopping and my typical outings involve going to the doctor. I don’t go anywhere alone unless I absolutely have to. When I know I will be going out in public (like the AC/DC concert ), I will have flu-like symptoms. It causes a great deal of problems for not only me, but my family as well.

More on agoraphobia tomorrow. Have a great day!