Being Bipolar

As many of you already know, I have bipolar disorder. My official diagnosis is Bipolar 1 with psychotic features. I also have panic disorder with agoraphobia. I have struggled with this for a few years but I am bordering on stabilization at the moment. Basically, this means that treatment is working for me at this time. Despite all of this, I still find that at times I have an overwhelming urge to snap at stupid people.

I have pretty much stopped taking Xanax completely. I was only taking 4 or 5 of them a month, but now I am thinking that maybe there are times when I may need to take one to calm myself down. My husband came in from work the other day and made one comment that I thought was stupid and I spent the rest of the evening snapping at him and belittling him. I regret it now but at that moment I couldn’t stop myself. The mortgage company has certainly received some sarcastic commentary from me but I honestly feel like they deserved it.

Right now, I am very easily irritated. I’m not angry; I’m annoyed. It worries me a bit because annoyance usually leads to anger. Perhaps I am starting to become manic again. Many of you with bipolar disorder enjoy manic episodes because sometimes when you are manic you feel like you’re on top of the world and everyone loves you. I haven’t had that kind of manic episode in years. Manic for me means I am angry and I want to rip your head off.

I am definitely not going to dwell on this because I know if I do I will put it in my head that I am becoming manic and then I certainly will be. I am going to keep an eye on it and start monitoring my moods a little closer. I think I will also add in a Xanax here and there to try to keep my mouth under control. Wish me luck with that!

Have a great day!